WWE RAW - April 13, 2015
(Because RAW always sucks in the Spring, ya'll!)
As luck would have it, RAW kinda sucked again this week. Let's review why....
John Cena beat Barrett (U.S. Championship)
Barrett comes out to job in his hometown in less than 10 minutes because SuperCena is again being pushed like the second coming of Christ, although the Lord would never (ever!) accept a secondary title. John-John appears to have a blackeye tonight, perhaps from his WARS on the road with Rusev (or from Steve Austin punching him for stealing his finish and making it more complicated, yet lamer.) Barrett has all the heat and crowd is chanting 'you can't wrestle' at Cena, so naturally Cena kicks out of every Barrett finisher imaginable. It's actually a really nice TV match as Barrett even attempts the Foley Elbow off the Apron spot. The announcers don't mention it because Foley is hot and cold with the company monthly. Stiff as hell Bullhammer looks to be a perfect finish just as Cena kicks out and does his new Stunner and AA for the win. Good match but very stupid to job Barrett. His pattern of always losing continues....
Lana comes out and ALL HALE BREAKS LOOSE as Rusev sneaks attacks with a chain a la Nikita Koloff in NWA or something. There is blood everywhere! Just buckets! Actually there is no blood, which makes absolutely no sense - yet all the sense in the world given this company. Oh sweet bird of paradox....
And it's Lana's beautiful mini skirt suits, as well as Rusev vs Cena, at the PPV....
Slightly goodish segment for this ancient feud.
Cole, who has risen from the grave after his murder weeks back, cryptically talks about a lawsuit or something. They'll likely drop this in a week or two. Couldn't he wear a neckbrace or something? That could have been really funny and effective if done right. Oh well...
Paige wins a Divas Battle Royal
Paige, the clear babyface in this England heavy card, throws out 65 divas in the first 10 seconds alone. The Bellas were there and admired the little lady's spunk. I guess they're gonna have a match or something.
Poor segment. Way to give all the divas about 14 seconds airtime this week, guys!
But wait! Naomi turns heel on Paige during her interview with Brian SexCastles! The audacity! The audacity is pushing her as a heel, actually. Should be a good PPV match despite the light build. At least they have an angle of some sort after AJ killed everything they had planned.
Brey Wyatt did a dungeon of doom promo begging the Zodiac and King Curtis to help him from becoming a midcarder. He needs to turn or have a good feud asap. This act of having him tape a weekly promo and never wrestle is getting old. I hope the face of fear ends up being the Shark John Tenta (rest in peace brotha).
Lucha Dragons beats the Ascension
The Ascension are sort of a reverse Road Warriors; They have silly cartoonish facepaint instead of cool facepaint; They work light matches instead of stiff-as-hell matches; And they do endless jobs instead of refusing to do anything but squashes like the Warriors did. I'm not sure which one is supposed to be Hawk, but I ain't seen him yet. Another win for the Dragons and I fully expect my new favorites the Luchas to take the straps at the PPV from the J-brone champs.
Booker T interviews the (once again) booed Reigns. Crowd chants 'suplex city', which is now turning into the single awesomest moment of any match in the history of man. God bless that Lesnar and his improv (and suplexes).
Reigns says he is a man of his word, blah blah vince's writng blah...
Big Show comes out to continue the NEVER ENDING FEUD OF BOREDOM AND DESPAIR. Talk about the faces of fear. This feud is a face of fear, my friends. True, hateful, boring fear. And I can't take it. After boring promos by both and even the crowd itself chanting 'boring' (begging, really), Show chokeslams Reigns lightly on a car (a spot I have done with several friends over the years and that never, ever looks painful). Yet the samoan monster is near death. Gimme a break. They better end the feud at the PPV. And the house show matches. And the dark nightmares of this feud....
Randy Orton beats Cesaro (DQ)
But they re-start and we get...
The tag champs are treated like the weakest of WCW jobbers and lose very quickly to a single viper. RKO party! At least Orton is over. But the idea of him as top babyface is just odd for me. It's like having Jake the Snake babysit your kids, ya know?
Cool segment with Kane follows, walking the fine line between heel and faceturn with Rollins and the gang. I like Rollins in his chicken__t role, and Kane has actually played his role to perfection in this angle. The monster slowly grows annoyed and (sort of) agrees to a fingerpoke of doom later in the night.....
Dean Ambrose grabs a nice TV win. We need to see this guy in a good angle again. He remains one of their best assets. Rose needs a TNA contract. The kind that pays every week or so.
Stardust beats Fandango
Stardust wins clean (a month too late for this push, guys. You already killed it at the February PPV. Remember?)
But then the real fun starts as Fandango turns...uhhh...face(?) for his UK fans and dances (pretty darn poorly) to his old school song (which very nearly made a high chart run on the UK I-tunes chart a few years back). The English WWE fan/Fandango connection is a weird, fun phenomenon for the company. Pretty sad this guy's push died the death it did years ago.
The show shockingly continues to be good as Kane and his old partner Daniel Bryan have an old school talk in the back. Kane shows his old fire as he screams in Bryan's face. Daniel holds resolute for Kane to stand up. Cool segment.
Kane removes his suit to start - which means that SHIT IS ON, BRAAA. He beats away the Stooges 2015 as Rollins DEMANDS he do the job! Crowd is hot for the turn. Kane does the chokeslam. Heat is rising! How cool would a freshly turned Kane v Rollins short program be? But no - we got SWERVED again as Kane drops Rollins before he hits the tombstone and does the J-O-B.
At least Kane isn't a jobber like Neville, who lost to Rollins clean as a whistle last week.
Mizdow beats Miz
Crowd heat is bad as they blew this feud weeks ago. It could have been a legit Mania match but they won't push Sandow for whatever reason. Mizdow wins. Whateva.
The Prime Time Players are (again) not funny.
Ryback beats Luke Harper (DQ)
Quick match for no reason. Why won't they just push Harper already? Also, Ryback nowadays is exactly what Bill Goldberg would have been if he had jobbed to Hogan that night in the summer of 1998 instead of win.
Dolph Ziggler beats Neville
Neville, a caped babyface from nearby Newcastle, inexplicably jobs to the perennial midcard jobber Ziggler. I have no idea why this happened. The match was killer with several awesome spots. Sort of like a really awesome ROH main event but with more drama, crowd heat, and, ya know, lights and stuff. Neville hits his asai moonsault and somersault splash but misses the Red Arrow and JOBS FOR NO REASON. ARE YOU PUSHING ZIGGLER? Clearly no. ARE YOU IN THE UK? Yes. Is this rookie red hot and awesome with some heat already? Nah - just kill him off and make him another one of the millions of midcarders. This infuriated me to no end. It killed my interest in the show, next week's show and even the next PPV. Great booking!!! Great Cape!!!
Shaemus comes out to further kill Neville by beating down Ziggler (see-he's a jobber). I die a little inside as I realize they don't know what to do writing wise except to:
1 Push Shaemus and protect him
2 Push Rollins and protect him
3 Push Big Show and Kane and protect them
4 Job out Neville and don't protect him.
LAME
I'm now so angry I barely watch the last segment. I do recall there will be a cage match main event at the PPV (a bloodless cage match? Sounds boring, boo.) Also, Orton can't do the RKO, the most over move in the company BY FAR. Oh - and Rollins was in a lazyboy I think.
SHOW GRADE: C-
